Mistakes...

Mistakes... We all make them and everyone says oh no problem... But the funny thing is. No one forgets. You live day in and day out accounting for those mistakes. Even when you had no intentions of repeating said mistake, it always bites you in the ass. Here I am at 3:10am a snoring fiancé to my right with her amazing butt on my hip but yet I had to beg her to come to bed. She was annoyed and irritated with me. You see she lives her life different than most people. There is a side of her life that I feel shut out from. Her friends that are sophisticated and too high class for this country boy. It hurts that I want to be a part of that for her and I always feel shut out. Well the other night I decided I wanted to see pictures from one of these nights heck why not two. Turns out my backdoor approach left me in hot water. But the things she did that hurt me an cut me deeper than she has in some time seem null and void to the fact of what I did. It hurts having to act as if I don't care about that part of her life. I want to be a part of everything she does. The gross stuff the fun stuff the bad stuff I want it all... Because I love her. But I can't love her when I feel shut out, I can't love her when I feel like she doesn't want me a part of he life or that she is accusing me of something that I would not do. To say the least it hurts. I felt so alone and hurt when I knew why she was sleeping on the couch. I had to have her with me but I needed to hear her say why she was on the couch also. Her reasons seem pointless to me although if she is hurt I love her too deeply not to have concern for that pain she feels. Yet my heartache is null and void in this lovers quarrel. I too felt the blade from her betrayal yet the excuse of being drunk seemed to calm the rough seas. Yet the memory remains and the act was done. I refuse to turn her issue with me around on her however I believe I have a valid point. So as I lay wide awake waiting for the stroke of 7 am I plead with the lord to ease her anger, calm her insecurities and give her peace to wake up and let me know she loves me. Because the truth is... Sometimes she makes me wonder how she truly feels, and that my friends is a horrible feeling as well as a tough pill to swallow.