I think it's true... I'm the woman in the relationship

So after reading this article online about the difference between men and women, I realized so much about myself. I am sensitive and emotional. I value heartfelt gifts and gestures. To me a kiss and hug can fix almost anything. I want to be intimate because I get high off the emotions involved in making love. I am still a man though, i'm ok with the spontaneous quickie. I enjoy the all out no holds barred, sexual release. However, I need to feel that connection when two souls become one. I want to feel that emotional high of sensually kissing my other half while we pleasure each other. The irony is one minute I can oogle my woman and say damn she's smoking hott! Clothes or without, I'll have those dirty thoughts running through my mind. But on the other hand, I can admire her sensual body, and get lost in her beauty with an admiration for her sexiness that just shows exactly why God created women to be so much more beautiful than any other creation of his! I've come to realize I am a unique combination. I can be the angry big powerful man that doesn't put up with anything from anyone. On the other side of that coin, I can be the sweetest loving, most sincere and emotional man that will drown you in charm and chivalry. But that side of me needs my best friend and lover to be the same. I need the woman I love to show me AND tell me. I need to see she feels the same way as me. So like a woman, I find attention from others to be a good feeling. I feel valued and appreciated. It's those emotions that i need to feel. Truth be told, I believe every man has this side to him, I just happen to react differently than most others. So if you have a man out there that you love and care about, if he holds your heart, tell him, joke with him, don't poke fun at him unless you both are joking, and for christs sake, kiss him, hug him and make your souls become one together. make love... the pay off for all these actions is more than you will ever imagine.

Pen is mightier than the sword, even though words cut deep...

Yes, I learned long ago (4 or 5 years now) that communication is key. I always try and communicate with people and relationships, however what I don't realize is sometimes people arent in the mood to talk. Yet others just don't want to communicate at all. It's unhealthy however it is their choice not to talk. So you have to find other ways to communicate. Talking may make someone feel uncomfortable face to face but writing a letter or a blog would be more beneficial to the communication.

So I've been reading a loved one's blog and I realize she deals with more than I knew. I mean I already knew the issues she had in her past, but it really does have a hold on her heart and soul, yet she acts like it doesn't bother her. Is it denial or just a wall to summon strength to face each day. Yet a few things bothered me. She said she doesn't believe in love because she hurt someone she really loved. I have an arguement to that. She felt remorse for the hurt she caused, which is a sign of love. Had she not felt any guilt then she would have a point to which there was no love. She spoke of how deeply devoted she was to this guy, yet when she was not recieving the attention she wanted back from him because he believed in patience, she tried to force him to see what he was missing. She did so out of love, proof that it exists. Love makes us do foolish things, we hurt people we care about because we are desperate for their attention and affection. Just like I am for her to break down her wall and show me love and affection, she was too in this same situation.

We don't always make the right choices in life, we don't all have dream parents that are so supportive it's sick, but it's love that keeps us holding on. We hold on to our family and our dreams. If it wasn't for love we would give up and ignore all of these things. Now in time, we are given a chance to take those mistakes and bumps in our youth and make them right, those are our late 20's and early 30's. We won't all get everything right, however if we choose to be happy we will be. We have to let go of the past, yet hold on to the memories that remind us of the things and situations we don't want to repeat. I ran away whenever things got tough and for once in my life i am not running. At some point we have to stop running and face problems head on.

So it hurts to love, and things we say can cut deep, however if it wasn't for love, we wouldn't care about that persons feelings. We wouldn't hurt because of the hurt we caused. So truth be told, love does exist, but we push it away because we are afraid of the pain we would feel or the hurt we may cause. However the happiness we experience without the walls and without all the pieces that come together to hold us back, is worth the risk of the hurt and the pain. True we don't need someone else to be happy, yet to share those times in life with someone else is a God given blessing and miracle. Let's not take that gift for granted!

So baby, when you read this, know that I don't intentionally hurt you. I don't intentionally cause you pain, but the walls we both keep, cause our love to have imperfections. Let's break down the walls, let go of our pasts, and realize that we have an amazing love that has over come many obstacles in the past 2 years. Let's not let the walls hold us back anymore, let's be happy... together....

WTF just happened?!?!

So I totally was studying for the day. No issues, my gal wanted to go the the pool over at her friends, still no issue. all of a sudden, bam! I asked if we could hang out when I wanted to take a break, and she got pissed. She started calling me possessive and etc. I calmly tried to understand where she was coming from. I just wanted to know if she was cool with me coming to see her when I was ready to take a break. Instead of saying i need my space she yelled at me. I automatically tried to talk with her and calm her down. I hate when she is upset, no matter who it's at. My mistake in all this was i lost my patience. I took our cooler radio out of her truck which was just as stupid as her yelling at me for no reason was. Then she got in her truck and started to drive off and i pushed in her mirror. I never punched it, just pushed it because i was just wanting to understand why she snapped like that. It broke the mirror, which was not at all my intention, and cut me. What cut me the most was she was sure that i was being possessive. Not at all, i simply wanted to spend an hour or so with her during a break because i knew this weekend we wouldnt see much of each other. So i think for now I am just going to leave her be, and maybe she will understand that my intentions were merely to spend a bit of time with her, not at all was i denying her needs to go hang with her friends. I just wish she knew, I understand her needs, i just don't understand her anger. Couldnt she have calmly said, baby, i just need me time today... ok no problem.

Hump day!

Well it's crunch time! I am in the middle of studying for a clep test to try and pass through atleast two spanish classes as well as taking a mini term of brittish litt. What the hell is going on?!?!? Now I am hoping for a new job and just basically taking it all in. I am not going to see my love much this weekend and that sucks, but i am praying she will really miss me a lot and come home wanting to be with me more. It has been a nice week or so and we have grown a lot in our relationship. I believe we both truly love each other we just need to get on the same page. I hope she gets her job too and I know how much she wants to bartend but I would really like it more if she saved that time for us. I am trying to change my job so her and I can have a life together after 7pm and so we can go out on dates. I hope those thoughts cross her mind as well. Ok time for coffee and breakfast and more espanol! fml!

Wednesday and still numb

Yeah here it is Wednesday. I'm trying the space thing, but then I hear this song... Then by brad paisley. I used to play it for her every night when we got together. I would give anything to get those times back. I want to play for her again. I want to really bring her back to me and let her know I want to be her man and husband. I want my baby back so bad. The pain is still constant, everyone knows I'm hurting and feeling so bad about losing her. It's easy to see how much she means to me. I'd give up all my possessions for one last chance! I know I would! In a second! Where's that second??? When will it come? I guess all I can relate with is the song by Rodney Crowell but made famous by Tim McGraw... Please remember me... Or pray for the diamond rio song one more day with you....let me back in baby I swear I'll not let you down ever again!!!!

I'm sorry

I just keep realizing how bad I messed up... I wish I could go back in time because I really hurt her with my jealousy. God I had a great woman... And once again I lost her. Why can't I be normal?!?! Why do I always seem to leave the deepest scars. Why can't my mistakes be staying out too late with the boys or forgetting to put the toilet seat down. No I had to go and ruin something so important that it cut the deepest it's ever cut before. I am so sorry, not for the fact she left but because I hurt her so badly and because it isn't the first time and because I love her and the last thing I wanted to do was Hurt her.... Baby I am so sorry....

my own advice... and i didn't take it

I told myself yesterday that I was disappearing out of her life till she figured her things out. It is so damn hard. I felt that this past weekend was to where we were coming together again and it confused me soo much. I not only was a jealous jerk again, I also continued to bug her about what we were and what we were working towards. I pushed her away a lot. I know her though, she is still here and loves me but just needs her time and space and proof i will finally stop being a dick. All the empty promises i made in the past are haunting me today. I just wish she knew how hard it was for me to live in the camper. Having lived there for almost a full year, it really mind fucks me. I feel so closed in and alone, it is really depressing. I just wish we could establish a goal and say ok you need space and I need to know where our relationship stands. Last night was a great mistake and I wish I could take it back, but with me it's always one step forward and two steps back... I want her in my life and as my wife so much that I am going to find out how to quit taking those damn steps back...