The Truth

Well it's been a month today, since I made a whole hearted choice to turn my selfish and immature ways around and be the man I need to be. For Bri, For K and J and for God. I think I mostly did it because it was time I grew up. I've had a couple small slip up's, but i think overall I have progressed very well. But I've been trying to write my feelings down in a song and I keep coming back to a song I wrote in 2005 titled "Without You". The pen hit the paper for that song in 2001 when my grandmother passed away and I finished it in 2005 after a bad breakup. But until these past two months especially this one the words have never been so true. I believe the relationship I had that inspired that song, was God's way of preparing me for what I am going through now. The lyrics are as follows:

I don't like to go a day without seeing your sweet face
I can't stand the pain to go without your call
I can't imagine my life without you
Can't you see what you mean to me
CHORUS
Without you
Without your heart
Without your kiss and your tenderness
Without your love my life is not complete
Life just isn't the same without you
V2
Not an hour goes by without you on my mind
Can't you see what you mean to me
And Every night I lie alone without you near me
Girl your leaving me has driven me insane
Chorus and then bridge
The nights are long
The days drag on
Yeah your leaving me has driven me insane

I used to think I knew what it was like, to have the pain of a break up. I related this song to most break ups. Sure you don't like being without that person. But the truth be told I never took responsibility for my own actions. Now i see this song in a new light. Turn the tables around. Instead of a break up song, place my current situation in place of a break up. Instead of losing someone you are fighting with all your might to keep them, to earn their heart again, and to regain your position of being loved by them. Every SINGLE line of this song is dead on how I feel. I just love seeing Bri everyday, even if it is just a quick "Hi, Love you have a good day". She's so gorgeous that seeing her makes my day, the first glimpse and i still get goose bumps. I hate when I go more than an hour or so without getting a text from Bri and when she calls WOW I light up with joy to hear her sweet voice on the line. It's so true, now that I have found out where i need to be and who I need to be as a man, I can't imagine having this angel, who believes in me more than anyone else, outside of my life. I need her, want her and choose her to be with me. Can't she see that as hard as I am trying, she means so much to me? Possibly, but I think that same thought everyday. I think about her constantly, at work, in bed, while watching tv, eating, everything I do, not an hour goes by without her on my mind. Once again I reapeat almost begging for an acknowledgement of my progress and change, and doing it for us for her for the boys. For our future! Every night I lie alone wishing to be back in the same bed as her. I pray to God for that chance again and I will NEVER EVER complain about holding her all night ever again!!! IT is such a privlidge!!! And It's true since she's left my life on a daily basis, I can't quite concentrate the way i need to. But that's ok, because i rededicate my focus once I realize I am doing all this for her and the boys. Working 15hrs on a sunday till 3 am, or sacrificing going out with her one night and waking up at 6 the next to go to work. IT's all for them and i finally feel worth something!! The rest is self explanitory... the nights are long the days drag on, but when i am with her, time goes by too fast. Before I know it a day seems like a second. a few hours meerly a blink of an eye. now let me analyze the chorus. Without you... thats what I am fighting to win your heart back again one day at a time. Without your heart, thats because I lost it, I failed you, and it hurts so tremendously that words can't even express. Without your kiss and your tenderness, I just want a kiss, a touch, a sign you love me and care. And being in your presence without kissing or touching you kills me. The holding your hand, that drives me insane, and i would never take that touch, that kiss, that holding of the hand, that rubbing of my arm, never take that forgranted again. Without your love my life is not complete, wow, briana that is so true, because you truly do complete me. You are the other piece of my puzzle that I have been looking for my whole life. And life truly just isn't the same without you. Every day i wake up without you, I don't have the boys to take care of on saturdays, we can't plan our weekends together... It sucks, I miss my best friend. I just never knew she was my best friend until I broke her heart so much that she refused to take me back.
Now I am fighting everyday, for one last chance, not because I believe she'd give up completely if i mess up, no not at all, I say my last chance because I know if she takes me back I will not screw up and more importantly we will not part ever again!

Here's to one month of continued dedication to a new life, a new me and loving bri whole heartedly and unconditionally!!! I love you baby!

AND P.S. - I will write Bri's song, and I will make it amazing, but it's not going to be about pain, it won't be about heartache or forgiveness, I will write her song when we reunite forever, when I know i have your heart again, so that I can play OUR song at OUR wedding! Because I want the whole world to know how HAPPY you make me!!! Thank you my angel for being my saving grace!