Finally... I've seen the light and doing something about it!

Wow! The saying/song goes, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. That came true for me two weeks ago today. I always thought I could save my relationship by saying what Bri wanted to hear. They were all empty promises. She saw everything I was struggling with. I read my previous posts today and said to myself, "Self, you saw what you were doing wrong but didn't do a damn thing!" It's true. So many different area's to focus on and yet I still managed to screw it all up. Two weeks ago today, The woman I know I am destined to either spend my life with or spend my life loving and wishing I had fixed it the first 100 times with her, She told me that she was done, it didn't hurt and she wasn't surprised. She told me to just leave her alone she never wanted to see me again and I was just a F*^%ing liar. She was right. I remember realizing what had just left my life, what I had just lost, and how my heart was leaving with her and I was just a shell. I remember at that moment, I realized that all this time I was trying to convince myself that my family was right about her, and I didn't listen to my heart. I remember thinking, the one person who knows the real you and believes in you, just walked away for good. The person I loved was gone. Nothing I could say would bring her back. I needed that. I needed to know that she would not let me continue to treat her as badly as I had.
Out of desperation I thought I'm going to just run into her class and profess my love, and all my wrong doings... yeah that's nuts. But I wanted her to know, if she wanted me to, I would greatly embarass myself in a second to win her back. I went directly to the priest at church because i was desperate. I knew that without her, i truly did not want to live. Why? Why such and idiotic thought? Because I knew the one person who could save me from myself had just left my life. What was the point? Why live that life when I would repeat it. The priest said, that if i truly loved this woman that my parents opinions are just that. I could nicely say to them that I appreciated their opinion but my heart belonged to Bri. Wow! I can do that? Wish I had known that. Truth be told though, I created their opinion on my own. I talked about the bad times but never mentioned they were my fault. I discussed nothing of the great and amazing times, until two weeks ago. Thats when I finally came clean about me, and my ways. I told my parents about my anger, which they were WELL aware of. I told them of the hurtful comments I told bri when my simplistic feelings were hurt. I told them in detail of some comments. I told them of my addictions, to porn, looking for other women when a relationship gets hard, other vices. I thought my whole life I was good because I didn't do drugs, or drink excessively. BULLSHIT! I was a horrible, horrible man. I was a bad father to K, and a true piece of work to Bri. Wow, a breakthrough. She truly is a great person. As much as I hated it, the truth was my family was holding me back from who I was happy being. Myself! Bri supported me all the time, they held me back. Well lets get back to the case at point. While talking to father brian at church, she sent me a text. It was like a lifeline. Sure i thought she was truly playing games with my heart. But Then there was a part that had faith, and hope... faith that she believed in me still and hope that I could prove that I was finally destined to change my ways. We really have had an amazing two weeks since that day. It's EXTREMELY hard to give her the space she needs. I truly have devoted my days, one day at a time, to changing my life. I refuse to be the "next relationship hunter" that I was. I refuse to look at any porn websites. I have started reading "the Love Dare" and attempting to truly make a heartfelt and sound mind change of character. Wow, it all makes sense, but the true challenge is proving to her I am changing, and following through. Plus giving the space that Bri needs. Then today happened. Had a GREAT morning, was so proud that for once I wasn't being selfish, and my only thoughts and concerns were about bri. I wanted to invest in our realtionship and in her, to make that my priority now and forever. Then she sends me a text, about 4. Someone was trying to meddle in our business. Apparently she wanted to know if there was anything she needed to know. I said no, I have no clue. Someone had sent her a random text. I was livid! I am working so hard to honestly make a change, and win her back. I know I want to spend my life treating her like a queen. Hell I was looking up tickets to denver for christmas so I knew what it would cost us. Then out of the blue someone makes an assumption. I can honestly say, yes I was looking for as bri puts it "a backup plan", however I had not contacted anyone. But I haven't even thought about looking for almost 3 weeks, so what could it be. She wouldn't tell me but said she was just checking and she wasn't upset. That made me feel better, but I was hurt and angry. But my thoughts immediately went to you know if someone has nothing better to do than get in my life and business I really do feel sorry for them. The bottom line is, I am going to be who I am, no matter what my family wants. I am going to love who I love, regardless of anyone's opinion. And I am going to change my ways, because I know what It felt like to lose her, it may have been a few hours, or a day, or hell even a week, but I lost her and I never want to do that again. And as long as she'll let me love her, I will give all of my heart, and soul to her.



For the good times!