WTF just happened?!?!

So I totally was studying for the day. No issues, my gal wanted to go the the pool over at her friends, still no issue. all of a sudden, bam! I asked if we could hang out when I wanted to take a break, and she got pissed. She started calling me possessive and etc. I calmly tried to understand where she was coming from. I just wanted to know if she was cool with me coming to see her when I was ready to take a break. Instead of saying i need my space she yelled at me. I automatically tried to talk with her and calm her down. I hate when she is upset, no matter who it's at. My mistake in all this was i lost my patience. I took our cooler radio out of her truck which was just as stupid as her yelling at me for no reason was. Then she got in her truck and started to drive off and i pushed in her mirror. I never punched it, just pushed it because i was just wanting to understand why she snapped like that. It broke the mirror, which was not at all my intention, and cut me. What cut me the most was she was sure that i was being possessive. Not at all, i simply wanted to spend an hour or so with her during a break because i knew this weekend we wouldnt see much of each other. So i think for now I am just going to leave her be, and maybe she will understand that my intentions were merely to spend a bit of time with her, not at all was i denying her needs to go hang with her friends. I just wish she knew, I understand her needs, i just don't understand her anger. Couldnt she have calmly said, baby, i just need me time today... ok no problem.

Hump day!

Well it's crunch time! I am in the middle of studying for a clep test to try and pass through atleast two spanish classes as well as taking a mini term of brittish litt. What the hell is going on?!?!? Now I am hoping for a new job and just basically taking it all in. I am not going to see my love much this weekend and that sucks, but i am praying she will really miss me a lot and come home wanting to be with me more. It has been a nice week or so and we have grown a lot in our relationship. I believe we both truly love each other we just need to get on the same page. I hope she gets her job too and I know how much she wants to bartend but I would really like it more if she saved that time for us. I am trying to change my job so her and I can have a life together after 7pm and so we can go out on dates. I hope those thoughts cross her mind as well. Ok time for coffee and breakfast and more espanol! fml!

Wednesday and still numb

Yeah here it is Wednesday. I'm trying the space thing, but then I hear this song... Then by brad paisley. I used to play it for her every night when we got together. I would give anything to get those times back. I want to play for her again. I want to really bring her back to me and let her know I want to be her man and husband. I want my baby back so bad. The pain is still constant, everyone knows I'm hurting and feeling so bad about losing her. It's easy to see how much she means to me. I'd give up all my possessions for one last chance! I know I would! In a second! Where's that second??? When will it come? I guess all I can relate with is the song by Rodney Crowell but made famous by Tim McGraw... Please remember me... Or pray for the diamond rio song one more day with you....let me back in baby I swear I'll not let you down ever again!!!!

I'm sorry

I just keep realizing how bad I messed up... I wish I could go back in time because I really hurt her with my jealousy. God I had a great woman... And once again I lost her. Why can't I be normal?!?! Why do I always seem to leave the deepest scars. Why can't my mistakes be staying out too late with the boys or forgetting to put the toilet seat down. No I had to go and ruin something so important that it cut the deepest it's ever cut before. I am so sorry, not for the fact she left but because I hurt her so badly and because it isn't the first time and because I love her and the last thing I wanted to do was Hurt her.... Baby I am so sorry....

my own advice... and i didn't take it

I told myself yesterday that I was disappearing out of her life till she figured her things out. It is so damn hard. I felt that this past weekend was to where we were coming together again and it confused me soo much. I not only was a jealous jerk again, I also continued to bug her about what we were and what we were working towards. I pushed her away a lot. I know her though, she is still here and loves me but just needs her time and space and proof i will finally stop being a dick. All the empty promises i made in the past are haunting me today. I just wish she knew how hard it was for me to live in the camper. Having lived there for almost a full year, it really mind fucks me. I feel so closed in and alone, it is really depressing. I just wish we could establish a goal and say ok you need space and I need to know where our relationship stands. Last night was a great mistake and I wish I could take it back, but with me it's always one step forward and two steps back... I want her in my life and as my wife so much that I am going to find out how to quit taking those damn steps back...

living with the consequences, but knowing the truth

right now, i am in the process of cleaning and moving a few things out to the camper. I understand that I can't hold the love of my life right now, but there have been those few instances where we were close again and she was touching me and holding me. Unfortunately she is still trying to sort things out while trying to graduate and figure out grad school this summer. The truth is she does still love me, it's obvious to even the blindest of fools, but she needs her time. Yes I want to go back to loving her and being "her guy" but thats selfish. She posted a blog about digging out, i just pray when she figures out what to do, it still involves being with me. So for now I will disappear, get out of her way, and hope that soon she will let me back in. I want in and I want back to love the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with... so goodbye for now, until we get to that point.... i'm signing off to wait out the time and deal with the pain...

memories, mothers day and other news

well I guess I will start off with the news I just recieved. The guy that swore he wouldn't hire me back at the dealership just told his new parts manager to call me. That says a lot. They must really want me back. That would so very much solve the financial strain I have been under for the past 5 months.
Second, mothers day is sunday. I am spending time with my mother right now, but the real mom that I want to be with is the mother of my boys. She is my life as are the boys. I really want to do something special for her, to let her know, I may have screwed up a lot lately but her strength and faith in me has made me a better man. I want to really go all out (as much as I can afford) and give her the royal treatment.
This led me to the last thing, memories. It seems lately all I have been doing is recalling good and bad memories from our relationship. I remember last summer, it was rough and there came a point when I was at the end of my rope, I packed my bags and left a dear john note. Bri met me at the parking lot and called me out. She asked how I could give up on us, how could I just walk out. And now I realize she's come to the end of her rope with me. It's not easy to say ok Lets give this one more chance, or I'm not giving up because I love you. But it can be done. I remember the hurt I felt from seeing her with another man, and the pain it caused me when she left with an ex for 4 hours that christmas. My heart had been put through the gauntlet. But we all make mistakes, i still remember those occasions, but I realize that she never meant to hurt me. I realize that is in the past. I realize if we truly love one another, we can get through anything. Now I need to really man up and fix all this damage I have caused. I am ready to come home, and really do the right thing. Not just take the blame and deep down blame her. Thats a ficticious front. I need to see my faults and not deny them like I have done for the past 10 years. It time I grow up. Baby, I'm just so sorry it took so long and I am sorry it hurt you and k so much. I'm ready to come home, to a slow healing process, but nonetheless, can I come home?

Numb

So here it is, wednesday. The waiting game began yesterday in sorts. Truly I believe it began sunday evening. Waiting to hear from her. Waiting to know what the next step is, and hopefully waiting to go home for a chance to really work things out and give the love of my life the love she truly deserves. Yet I feel so numb, from the pain i've caused the things i've done and the things I can never take back. My regret and remorse are so deeply rooted in my heart and soul i will never forget what I have done and realize what type of man I really need to be. Yet the numbness continues. I have been given extentions on my finals, but the one thing that still keeps coming is mothers day. I had no clue what I wanted to do for her, but I wanted something special. I still want to plan an amazing day with her and k, and let her know this was a setback but I am still an amazing loving man, and father who will go the distance to do what I need to do. I keep checking my email, waiting for the phone to ring, begging to hear from her, but I understand what she needs now is time. I am sure a lot is going through her head. Perhaps it is all bad, however I prefer to believe this was a wake up call for both of us, to realize the stresses we were both under and the toll it took on our relationship and our health. Without those issues, I truly believe we would be fine and this would and will be eleviated. But the numbness still remains and it won't go away once I get home, but with time faith hope and love, I believe together we can heal each other. Because the greatest gift the good lord gave us is love, and that is exactly what my heart is full of for my family. I miss them so much, and i love them to the moon and back.