Waiting...

So here I am 8:41am waiting to see the doctor. Told I might have a kidney stone... Joy! Seems like my life has been the hurry up and wait style as of late. Well dammit to hell, god made me impatient!

Speaking if waiting I am sure my lovely and amazingly beautiful better 7/8ths is waiting for me at home. She woke up this morning thinking she had a feeling that I was off to meet someone or do something behind her back. I hate when she gets those feelings. Afterall I have been working so hard on eliminating those thoughts and feelings from her mind and re establishing her security and self worth to where she knows I only want her. I've been doing the right thing and after the way I was treated like a king when I got home last night I'd have to be a fool to go behind her back. I love this woman!! But once again waiting plays into the equation!

I have been waiting for us to be a couple again! I have been waiting for her to tell me she loves me everyday. Waiting sucks! I have been waiting for the day we get married, however I do not want to buy her fake breasts as a "wedding gift". I have been waiting for her to realize how beautiful she is! Her breasts are perfect her butt is so awesome I love watching her as we walk in the store, her legs are so smooth against my body as we sleep at night! Her stomach is so flat I love it, but all these supermodels and magazines have her believe she isn't good enough. I am partly to blame but I am waiting for her to realize that I love her just the way she is! The additions and fixes she wants to do to her body just aren't acceptable to me. I don't want her to touch anything. I am scared if she does get a boob job as it is referred to, I may not find that attractive. But at the same time I want to make her happy. Talk about a quandary!

Yet I still wait... Wait for us to be together again, wait to be able to truly call her my wife, wait for her to realize that I find her so incredibly attractive that when she walks by I can't help but stare. I wait for the day I get to make love to her again, and I wait for the day she says I am the one. She doesn't know because i didnt act like I did, but I've known all along she was the one for me... We just had to beat those tough times... And now we wait!

The Truth

Well it's been a month today, since I made a whole hearted choice to turn my selfish and immature ways around and be the man I need to be. For Bri, For K and J and for God. I think I mostly did it because it was time I grew up. I've had a couple small slip up's, but i think overall I have progressed very well. But I've been trying to write my feelings down in a song and I keep coming back to a song I wrote in 2005 titled "Without You". The pen hit the paper for that song in 2001 when my grandmother passed away and I finished it in 2005 after a bad breakup. But until these past two months especially this one the words have never been so true. I believe the relationship I had that inspired that song, was God's way of preparing me for what I am going through now. The lyrics are as follows:

I don't like to go a day without seeing your sweet face
I can't stand the pain to go without your call
I can't imagine my life without you
Can't you see what you mean to me
CHORUS
Without you
Without your heart
Without your kiss and your tenderness
Without your love my life is not complete
Life just isn't the same without you
V2
Not an hour goes by without you on my mind
Can't you see what you mean to me
And Every night I lie alone without you near me
Girl your leaving me has driven me insane
Chorus and then bridge
The nights are long
The days drag on
Yeah your leaving me has driven me insane

I used to think I knew what it was like, to have the pain of a break up. I related this song to most break ups. Sure you don't like being without that person. But the truth be told I never took responsibility for my own actions. Now i see this song in a new light. Turn the tables around. Instead of a break up song, place my current situation in place of a break up. Instead of losing someone you are fighting with all your might to keep them, to earn their heart again, and to regain your position of being loved by them. Every SINGLE line of this song is dead on how I feel. I just love seeing Bri everyday, even if it is just a quick "Hi, Love you have a good day". She's so gorgeous that seeing her makes my day, the first glimpse and i still get goose bumps. I hate when I go more than an hour or so without getting a text from Bri and when she calls WOW I light up with joy to hear her sweet voice on the line. It's so true, now that I have found out where i need to be and who I need to be as a man, I can't imagine having this angel, who believes in me more than anyone else, outside of my life. I need her, want her and choose her to be with me. Can't she see that as hard as I am trying, she means so much to me? Possibly, but I think that same thought everyday. I think about her constantly, at work, in bed, while watching tv, eating, everything I do, not an hour goes by without her on my mind. Once again I reapeat almost begging for an acknowledgement of my progress and change, and doing it for us for her for the boys. For our future! Every night I lie alone wishing to be back in the same bed as her. I pray to God for that chance again and I will NEVER EVER complain about holding her all night ever again!!! IT is such a privlidge!!! And It's true since she's left my life on a daily basis, I can't quite concentrate the way i need to. But that's ok, because i rededicate my focus once I realize I am doing all this for her and the boys. Working 15hrs on a sunday till 3 am, or sacrificing going out with her one night and waking up at 6 the next to go to work. IT's all for them and i finally feel worth something!! The rest is self explanitory... the nights are long the days drag on, but when i am with her, time goes by too fast. Before I know it a day seems like a second. a few hours meerly a blink of an eye. now let me analyze the chorus. Without you... thats what I am fighting to win your heart back again one day at a time. Without your heart, thats because I lost it, I failed you, and it hurts so tremendously that words can't even express. Without your kiss and your tenderness, I just want a kiss, a touch, a sign you love me and care. And being in your presence without kissing or touching you kills me. The holding your hand, that drives me insane, and i would never take that touch, that kiss, that holding of the hand, that rubbing of my arm, never take that forgranted again. Without your love my life is not complete, wow, briana that is so true, because you truly do complete me. You are the other piece of my puzzle that I have been looking for my whole life. And life truly just isn't the same without you. Every day i wake up without you, I don't have the boys to take care of on saturdays, we can't plan our weekends together... It sucks, I miss my best friend. I just never knew she was my best friend until I broke her heart so much that she refused to take me back.
Now I am fighting everyday, for one last chance, not because I believe she'd give up completely if i mess up, no not at all, I say my last chance because I know if she takes me back I will not screw up and more importantly we will not part ever again!

Here's to one month of continued dedication to a new life, a new me and loving bri whole heartedly and unconditionally!!! I love you baby!

AND P.S. - I will write Bri's song, and I will make it amazing, but it's not going to be about pain, it won't be about heartache or forgiveness, I will write her song when we reunite forever, when I know i have your heart again, so that I can play OUR song at OUR wedding! Because I want the whole world to know how HAPPY you make me!!! Thank you my angel for being my saving grace!

Another week down!

So today was day 7 of the love dare, and also today was to the day bri went to my counsler with me. What a shock! We were supposed to discuss my issues and what I am working on and it turned into a talk about our relationship! WOW! She wasn't happy at all, and needless to say she was running late and I came off as a jerk when i was irritated she wasn't there. I had so many emotions when she wasn't there, i was scared, nervous, and worried. Scared she wasn't going to show, nervous it would push her away, and worried the dr would be upset. WOW! I appologized but it really hurt her. I just want to spend every waking hour with her. I love her so much and I am so proud of myself for changing. I felt horrible that I failed her by getting irritated. I walked away upset with myself because had i fixed this 6 months ago, man we would already be engaged or married. I was so hurt that I let myself get confused and drawn into the judgmental bullshit. But I left and ran some errands hoping she would text but unfortunately she didn't, but i met her at the health center. Her kidneys are hurting and i just didn't want to see her suffer. I was concerned and still am concerned for her. So i "made" her go. No help, but man i felt so good doing my part to get her healthy. I am so impatient with this waiting, but she's worth it and i keep reminding myself of the amazing and great things about her. Keep positive, and not negative. It gets easier, but harder at the same time. It's easier because i am becoming more and more ok being alone, but harder because we are now becomeing independent of each other. And As much as we need that, i miss her more than ever. My dream is to be back together by halloween and my goal is thanksgiving, but I suppose we will just see what the good lord has in store for us. Here's to the road I'm walking right now, let's hope it's paved well, with love and good intentions.

Finally... I've seen the light and doing something about it!

Wow! The saying/song goes, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. That came true for me two weeks ago today. I always thought I could save my relationship by saying what Bri wanted to hear. They were all empty promises. She saw everything I was struggling with. I read my previous posts today and said to myself, "Self, you saw what you were doing wrong but didn't do a damn thing!" It's true. So many different area's to focus on and yet I still managed to screw it all up. Two weeks ago today, The woman I know I am destined to either spend my life with or spend my life loving and wishing I had fixed it the first 100 times with her, She told me that she was done, it didn't hurt and she wasn't surprised. She told me to just leave her alone she never wanted to see me again and I was just a F*^%ing liar. She was right. I remember realizing what had just left my life, what I had just lost, and how my heart was leaving with her and I was just a shell. I remember at that moment, I realized that all this time I was trying to convince myself that my family was right about her, and I didn't listen to my heart. I remember thinking, the one person who knows the real you and believes in you, just walked away for good. The person I loved was gone. Nothing I could say would bring her back. I needed that. I needed to know that she would not let me continue to treat her as badly as I had.
Out of desperation I thought I'm going to just run into her class and profess my love, and all my wrong doings... yeah that's nuts. But I wanted her to know, if she wanted me to, I would greatly embarass myself in a second to win her back. I went directly to the priest at church because i was desperate. I knew that without her, i truly did not want to live. Why? Why such and idiotic thought? Because I knew the one person who could save me from myself had just left my life. What was the point? Why live that life when I would repeat it. The priest said, that if i truly loved this woman that my parents opinions are just that. I could nicely say to them that I appreciated their opinion but my heart belonged to Bri. Wow! I can do that? Wish I had known that. Truth be told though, I created their opinion on my own. I talked about the bad times but never mentioned they were my fault. I discussed nothing of the great and amazing times, until two weeks ago. Thats when I finally came clean about me, and my ways. I told my parents about my anger, which they were WELL aware of. I told them of the hurtful comments I told bri when my simplistic feelings were hurt. I told them in detail of some comments. I told them of my addictions, to porn, looking for other women when a relationship gets hard, other vices. I thought my whole life I was good because I didn't do drugs, or drink excessively. BULLSHIT! I was a horrible, horrible man. I was a bad father to K, and a true piece of work to Bri. Wow, a breakthrough. She truly is a great person. As much as I hated it, the truth was my family was holding me back from who I was happy being. Myself! Bri supported me all the time, they held me back. Well lets get back to the case at point. While talking to father brian at church, she sent me a text. It was like a lifeline. Sure i thought she was truly playing games with my heart. But Then there was a part that had faith, and hope... faith that she believed in me still and hope that I could prove that I was finally destined to change my ways. We really have had an amazing two weeks since that day. It's EXTREMELY hard to give her the space she needs. I truly have devoted my days, one day at a time, to changing my life. I refuse to be the "next relationship hunter" that I was. I refuse to look at any porn websites. I have started reading "the Love Dare" and attempting to truly make a heartfelt and sound mind change of character. Wow, it all makes sense, but the true challenge is proving to her I am changing, and following through. Plus giving the space that Bri needs. Then today happened. Had a GREAT morning, was so proud that for once I wasn't being selfish, and my only thoughts and concerns were about bri. I wanted to invest in our realtionship and in her, to make that my priority now and forever. Then she sends me a text, about 4. Someone was trying to meddle in our business. Apparently she wanted to know if there was anything she needed to know. I said no, I have no clue. Someone had sent her a random text. I was livid! I am working so hard to honestly make a change, and win her back. I know I want to spend my life treating her like a queen. Hell I was looking up tickets to denver for christmas so I knew what it would cost us. Then out of the blue someone makes an assumption. I can honestly say, yes I was looking for as bri puts it "a backup plan", however I had not contacted anyone. But I haven't even thought about looking for almost 3 weeks, so what could it be. She wouldn't tell me but said she was just checking and she wasn't upset. That made me feel better, but I was hurt and angry. But my thoughts immediately went to you know if someone has nothing better to do than get in my life and business I really do feel sorry for them. The bottom line is, I am going to be who I am, no matter what my family wants. I am going to love who I love, regardless of anyone's opinion. And I am going to change my ways, because I know what It felt like to lose her, it may have been a few hours, or a day, or hell even a week, but I lost her and I never want to do that again. And as long as she'll let me love her, I will give all of my heart, and soul to her.



For the good times!

Self-detonantion

So i figured it out. Bri was right I am self-detonating another relationship. I pick fights for no reason, assume the worst, and all it ever does is cause arguments and hurtful words. I love her so much so why do I do this? I guess maybe I truly believe that I am meant to be single my whole life and go through this misery of one relationship to another. What i really need to do is realize what I am doing and STOP! I am going to lose the one person who makes life make sense if I dont get my shit together. I do not believe that I am always to blame, however I do believe I have a habit of making something out of nothing. I seriously stay at my trailer every night and don't go out up here. I don't want to nor to I believe it is fair to her. I love her and I want her to know that. Yes I have lots of friends here, but they don't see me, EVER! I have passed up hanging out with them so many times because I don't want to hurt her feelings. So I come home after class, work on school stuff, and usually surf the web until she calls which is usually about 6 and then i have a few tv shows and off to bed. THAT is my day here in san marcos, just waiting for thursday.
How do I fix my self-destructing behavior? What do I NEED to do to put an end to the blaming and insinuations and the anger. I know I can't be perfect, but is it too much to ask to be close enough to perfect for her. I know she deserves it. So please Lord, I am asking you to lead me, to show me what I need to do, and to guide me down the path that i need to follow to be the MAN i need to be.

Moment of realization

So lately I've been contemplating if college was for me. I know i can do this but the wall i am up against is sooo huge. Bri told me she won't marry me if i don't finish. I don't want that but am i better at flipping houses and just being russell or do i need that degree. well i finally got a sign i have been needing. I've made excuses to max out my sick days and now i have none left. That means i have to make class for the rest of the semester. Bottom line is, no more excuses. I got an email from AJ and wow it was like grandma was speaking through him. Pushing me to follow my dream. I am so close. It seems so far away though. But AJ reminded me of a song that is near and dear to my heart. My inspiration. I'm gonna get there someday. Yes i am. And on top of that I got a random txt from Bri and she told me she loved me and was sorry for our fight last night. WOW she never does that. It meant so much to me. Things no matter how bleak they are always have a way of looking up. Thanks AJ, thanks grandma (as the tears swell up) and thank you Bri, for believing in me and forcing me to follow my dreams. You truly are an angel of God!

Confused

So I decided to see what these Tuesday things are for bri! I wanted her to see I support her choice to find God and his healing hands. I know the girl has been through a lot! I wanted to go to a support group session but was scared. I kept telling her I was here for her. She got mad at me and said she is the only one that was here for her. Instead she tells me I should go to a group to deal with my own issues. OUCH! I do agree it would be nice... But I was trying to be a pillar of support for her! Instead I got a metephorical slap in the face. It hurt so I walked away and am currently sitting In the truck. It sucks how badly I want in but she refuses! It's cold out here baby! I want inside I want to know it all I want us to communicate! I want there to be an us ! She was soooo mad tonight and I tried making it better and it didn't help! She is struggling on her own and I see it but she refuses to admit how hard it is. I just want to grab her and hug her and tell her to just cry it out! She's too independent for that! I guess I will continue to let her beat me up In a sense because it makes her feel better. I am strong enough to carry all of us but I need her to be willing for me to catch her when she falls.... I am here. Let me in. I want you no matter what you have done or are ashamed of. I see the woman I love in you... So let me in. It doesn't matter what you've done I still love you it doesn't matter where you've been you can still come home... And honey i love you and we've got a lot of making up to do and I can't hug you on the phone so hurry home! I love you babe just let me in!