I think it's true... I'm the woman in the relationship

So after reading this article online about the difference between men and women, I realized so much about myself. I am sensitive and emotional. I value heartfelt gifts and gestures. To me a kiss and hug can fix almost anything. I want to be intimate because I get high off the emotions involved in making love. I am still a man though, i'm ok with the spontaneous quickie. I enjoy the all out no holds barred, sexual release. However, I need to feel that connection when two souls become one. I want to feel that emotional high of sensually kissing my other half while we pleasure each other. The irony is one minute I can oogle my woman and say damn she's smoking hott! Clothes or without, I'll have those dirty thoughts running through my mind. But on the other hand, I can admire her sensual body, and get lost in her beauty with an admiration for her sexiness that just shows exactly why God created women to be so much more beautiful than any other creation of his! I've come to realize I am a unique combination. I can be the angry big powerful man that doesn't put up with anything from anyone. On the other side of that coin, I can be the sweetest loving, most sincere and emotional man that will drown you in charm and chivalry. But that side of me needs my best friend and lover to be the same. I need the woman I love to show me AND tell me. I need to see she feels the same way as me. So like a woman, I find attention from others to be a good feeling. I feel valued and appreciated. It's those emotions that i need to feel. Truth be told, I believe every man has this side to him, I just happen to react differently than most others. So if you have a man out there that you love and care about, if he holds your heart, tell him, joke with him, don't poke fun at him unless you both are joking, and for christs sake, kiss him, hug him and make your souls become one together. make love... the pay off for all these actions is more than you will ever imagine.

Pen is mightier than the sword, even though words cut deep...

Yes, I learned long ago (4 or 5 years now) that communication is key. I always try and communicate with people and relationships, however what I don't realize is sometimes people arent in the mood to talk. Yet others just don't want to communicate at all. It's unhealthy however it is their choice not to talk. So you have to find other ways to communicate. Talking may make someone feel uncomfortable face to face but writing a letter or a blog would be more beneficial to the communication.

So I've been reading a loved one's blog and I realize she deals with more than I knew. I mean I already knew the issues she had in her past, but it really does have a hold on her heart and soul, yet she acts like it doesn't bother her. Is it denial or just a wall to summon strength to face each day. Yet a few things bothered me. She said she doesn't believe in love because she hurt someone she really loved. I have an arguement to that. She felt remorse for the hurt she caused, which is a sign of love. Had she not felt any guilt then she would have a point to which there was no love. She spoke of how deeply devoted she was to this guy, yet when she was not recieving the attention she wanted back from him because he believed in patience, she tried to force him to see what he was missing. She did so out of love, proof that it exists. Love makes us do foolish things, we hurt people we care about because we are desperate for their attention and affection. Just like I am for her to break down her wall and show me love and affection, she was too in this same situation.

We don't always make the right choices in life, we don't all have dream parents that are so supportive it's sick, but it's love that keeps us holding on. We hold on to our family and our dreams. If it wasn't for love we would give up and ignore all of these things. Now in time, we are given a chance to take those mistakes and bumps in our youth and make them right, those are our late 20's and early 30's. We won't all get everything right, however if we choose to be happy we will be. We have to let go of the past, yet hold on to the memories that remind us of the things and situations we don't want to repeat. I ran away whenever things got tough and for once in my life i am not running. At some point we have to stop running and face problems head on.

So it hurts to love, and things we say can cut deep, however if it wasn't for love, we wouldn't care about that persons feelings. We wouldn't hurt because of the hurt we caused. So truth be told, love does exist, but we push it away because we are afraid of the pain we would feel or the hurt we may cause. However the happiness we experience without the walls and without all the pieces that come together to hold us back, is worth the risk of the hurt and the pain. True we don't need someone else to be happy, yet to share those times in life with someone else is a God given blessing and miracle. Let's not take that gift for granted!

So baby, when you read this, know that I don't intentionally hurt you. I don't intentionally cause you pain, but the walls we both keep, cause our love to have imperfections. Let's break down the walls, let go of our pasts, and realize that we have an amazing love that has over come many obstacles in the past 2 years. Let's not let the walls hold us back anymore, let's be happy... together....

WTF just happened?!?!

So I totally was studying for the day. No issues, my gal wanted to go the the pool over at her friends, still no issue. all of a sudden, bam! I asked if we could hang out when I wanted to take a break, and she got pissed. She started calling me possessive and etc. I calmly tried to understand where she was coming from. I just wanted to know if she was cool with me coming to see her when I was ready to take a break. Instead of saying i need my space she yelled at me. I automatically tried to talk with her and calm her down. I hate when she is upset, no matter who it's at. My mistake in all this was i lost my patience. I took our cooler radio out of her truck which was just as stupid as her yelling at me for no reason was. Then she got in her truck and started to drive off and i pushed in her mirror. I never punched it, just pushed it because i was just wanting to understand why she snapped like that. It broke the mirror, which was not at all my intention, and cut me. What cut me the most was she was sure that i was being possessive. Not at all, i simply wanted to spend an hour or so with her during a break because i knew this weekend we wouldnt see much of each other. So i think for now I am just going to leave her be, and maybe she will understand that my intentions were merely to spend a bit of time with her, not at all was i denying her needs to go hang with her friends. I just wish she knew, I understand her needs, i just don't understand her anger. Couldnt she have calmly said, baby, i just need me time today... ok no problem.

Hump day!

Well it's crunch time! I am in the middle of studying for a clep test to try and pass through atleast two spanish classes as well as taking a mini term of brittish litt. What the hell is going on?!?!? Now I am hoping for a new job and just basically taking it all in. I am not going to see my love much this weekend and that sucks, but i am praying she will really miss me a lot and come home wanting to be with me more. It has been a nice week or so and we have grown a lot in our relationship. I believe we both truly love each other we just need to get on the same page. I hope she gets her job too and I know how much she wants to bartend but I would really like it more if she saved that time for us. I am trying to change my job so her and I can have a life together after 7pm and so we can go out on dates. I hope those thoughts cross her mind as well. Ok time for coffee and breakfast and more espanol! fml!

Wednesday and still numb

Yeah here it is Wednesday. I'm trying the space thing, but then I hear this song... Then by brad paisley. I used to play it for her every night when we got together. I would give anything to get those times back. I want to play for her again. I want to really bring her back to me and let her know I want to be her man and husband. I want my baby back so bad. The pain is still constant, everyone knows I'm hurting and feeling so bad about losing her. It's easy to see how much she means to me. I'd give up all my possessions for one last chance! I know I would! In a second! Where's that second??? When will it come? I guess all I can relate with is the song by Rodney Crowell but made famous by Tim McGraw... Please remember me... Or pray for the diamond rio song one more day with you....let me back in baby I swear I'll not let you down ever again!!!!

I'm sorry

I just keep realizing how bad I messed up... I wish I could go back in time because I really hurt her with my jealousy. God I had a great woman... And once again I lost her. Why can't I be normal?!?! Why do I always seem to leave the deepest scars. Why can't my mistakes be staying out too late with the boys or forgetting to put the toilet seat down. No I had to go and ruin something so important that it cut the deepest it's ever cut before. I am so sorry, not for the fact she left but because I hurt her so badly and because it isn't the first time and because I love her and the last thing I wanted to do was Hurt her.... Baby I am so sorry....

my own advice... and i didn't take it

I told myself yesterday that I was disappearing out of her life till she figured her things out. It is so damn hard. I felt that this past weekend was to where we were coming together again and it confused me soo much. I not only was a jealous jerk again, I also continued to bug her about what we were and what we were working towards. I pushed her away a lot. I know her though, she is still here and loves me but just needs her time and space and proof i will finally stop being a dick. All the empty promises i made in the past are haunting me today. I just wish she knew how hard it was for me to live in the camper. Having lived there for almost a full year, it really mind fucks me. I feel so closed in and alone, it is really depressing. I just wish we could establish a goal and say ok you need space and I need to know where our relationship stands. Last night was a great mistake and I wish I could take it back, but with me it's always one step forward and two steps back... I want her in my life and as my wife so much that I am going to find out how to quit taking those damn steps back...

living with the consequences, but knowing the truth

right now, i am in the process of cleaning and moving a few things out to the camper. I understand that I can't hold the love of my life right now, but there have been those few instances where we were close again and she was touching me and holding me. Unfortunately she is still trying to sort things out while trying to graduate and figure out grad school this summer. The truth is she does still love me, it's obvious to even the blindest of fools, but she needs her time. Yes I want to go back to loving her and being "her guy" but thats selfish. She posted a blog about digging out, i just pray when she figures out what to do, it still involves being with me. So for now I will disappear, get out of her way, and hope that soon she will let me back in. I want in and I want back to love the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with... so goodbye for now, until we get to that point.... i'm signing off to wait out the time and deal with the pain...

memories, mothers day and other news

well I guess I will start off with the news I just recieved. The guy that swore he wouldn't hire me back at the dealership just told his new parts manager to call me. That says a lot. They must really want me back. That would so very much solve the financial strain I have been under for the past 5 months.
Second, mothers day is sunday. I am spending time with my mother right now, but the real mom that I want to be with is the mother of my boys. She is my life as are the boys. I really want to do something special for her, to let her know, I may have screwed up a lot lately but her strength and faith in me has made me a better man. I want to really go all out (as much as I can afford) and give her the royal treatment.
This led me to the last thing, memories. It seems lately all I have been doing is recalling good and bad memories from our relationship. I remember last summer, it was rough and there came a point when I was at the end of my rope, I packed my bags and left a dear john note. Bri met me at the parking lot and called me out. She asked how I could give up on us, how could I just walk out. And now I realize she's come to the end of her rope with me. It's not easy to say ok Lets give this one more chance, or I'm not giving up because I love you. But it can be done. I remember the hurt I felt from seeing her with another man, and the pain it caused me when she left with an ex for 4 hours that christmas. My heart had been put through the gauntlet. But we all make mistakes, i still remember those occasions, but I realize that she never meant to hurt me. I realize that is in the past. I realize if we truly love one another, we can get through anything. Now I need to really man up and fix all this damage I have caused. I am ready to come home, and really do the right thing. Not just take the blame and deep down blame her. Thats a ficticious front. I need to see my faults and not deny them like I have done for the past 10 years. It time I grow up. Baby, I'm just so sorry it took so long and I am sorry it hurt you and k so much. I'm ready to come home, to a slow healing process, but nonetheless, can I come home?

Numb

So here it is, wednesday. The waiting game began yesterday in sorts. Truly I believe it began sunday evening. Waiting to hear from her. Waiting to know what the next step is, and hopefully waiting to go home for a chance to really work things out and give the love of my life the love she truly deserves. Yet I feel so numb, from the pain i've caused the things i've done and the things I can never take back. My regret and remorse are so deeply rooted in my heart and soul i will never forget what I have done and realize what type of man I really need to be. Yet the numbness continues. I have been given extentions on my finals, but the one thing that still keeps coming is mothers day. I had no clue what I wanted to do for her, but I wanted something special. I still want to plan an amazing day with her and k, and let her know this was a setback but I am still an amazing loving man, and father who will go the distance to do what I need to do. I keep checking my email, waiting for the phone to ring, begging to hear from her, but I understand what she needs now is time. I am sure a lot is going through her head. Perhaps it is all bad, however I prefer to believe this was a wake up call for both of us, to realize the stresses we were both under and the toll it took on our relationship and our health. Without those issues, I truly believe we would be fine and this would and will be eleviated. But the numbness still remains and it won't go away once I get home, but with time faith hope and love, I believe together we can heal each other. Because the greatest gift the good lord gave us is love, and that is exactly what my heart is full of for my family. I miss them so much, and i love them to the moon and back.

It's time...

Yes, I've had some time here lately that I have been pondering the meaning of my life. Why in the hell am I here? It seems most time all I do is cause pain. All my hurt from my past seems to haunt me causing hurt to others. Truth is it's time... for a lot of things to happen! It's time to let go of the past. Sure many people hurt me back then, I'm still sensitive to some issues. But the truth is, I am a big guy, I don't get pushed around and I am strong enough to face any challenge. That being said, I don't have to throw my weight around. I want to be remembered as a great big teddy bear, not a monster. I want to be the guy everyone loves but knows I will protect my family and loved ones if you push me to that point. It's also time to grow up in many ways. I am 30, so the immature crude jokes and cursing can remain at deer camp, but I need to be responsible and act my age. I need to be a better role model for my two boys, because I want them to be gentlemen and not angry punks. I also want to be their best friend. I want them to come to me for advice. I want to tell them it's ok to get that tattoo but make sure you think about it long and hard because all mine were permanent and theirs will be too! Do I regret my tattoo's? No! However I do wish I had thought through a few of them a bit more than the five minute option of hey what the hell I want it attitude. It's time I actually start studying in college. I am 12 hours from graduation and truth be told, I've studied for maybe 10 tests in my college career. I winged it because I was and am lazy!!! So instead of the 2.5 GPA I will graduate with I should have been more or less a 3.75 had I put in some what of an effort! It's time I start working out and taking care of my body. I always say that but for real, I've seen so many people that are way too young to leave this world, do just that! It's time I start saving instead of spending. Sure I want that new .45 or that new .30-06 but i can get those later, Sure I want that new atv, but i'd rather pay cash and not worry about a bill every month. It's time I become more financially responsible! It's time that I actually do all of this! And the sadest thing is, It's time I find that friend that I know will be there for me no matter what! I think I do have 1 or 2 of those but the truth is I don't have that one guy that's my best friend! I am always jealous of the guys I know that do. Brian and Jenn's wedding, I was so Jealous of Curtis and Klekar. It turned into a alcohol induced embarassment! The truth is I've been looking back for the past month or so, at where I am, who I am and why. So It's time to grow up! So I am going to start setting goals, small attainable ones at first and then pushing up slowly but surely. It's time to be the man I know I can be and the man I want to be! So here's to growing up!

Screwing up... A habit or is it fate?

So as you read you know I consistently screw up! It's a guarantee that I find a way to mess up the best things. Just my nature I guess but I hate it!

I am a frigging girl! When I get sick or don't feel well or when I am stressed. Truth is I turn into a whiny bitch and I hate it!

I yell cuss and throw shit! I am a pos of a human being but I have (had) a woman who believes in me but I hurt her everytime. True she needs a filter but I shouldn't take the stress out on her... I love her thus the reason for the stress I buy her anything she wants! I need to stop that but it is so hard.

Bottom line is I love bri with all my heart and I just want to finally get it right...

Rants and raves...

Why do mexicans come to Texas to shop? These sorry bastards (not all) come here and spend money, expecting us to wait on them hand and foot. Yet when they run a stop sign and total a truck 3x the size of their vehicle, it's not their fault because they are tourists! Bullshit! You come here, screw up our retail stores not giving a shit about how it looked or giving respect to those who deserve it. You pricks ignore our traffic laws and don't even carry insurance. I say forget this and close down the damn borders.

Next lazy ass people. I want to work I want to get paid but other people who don't want to work decide it is their place to tell me how to do my job. Screw you! Get off your fat ass and do something. And as for the people who think they know it all. Chances are you don't, hell chances are you screw up all the time! I have to fix your mistakes. I dont know everything but I know when I work with idiots!

People who pay for an education and sleep through class. WTF?!? You fat cow don't snore through a class I really want to be in! You annoy me and piss me the f off! So when I yell "wake your fat ass up" don't look at me wondering what's my problem! You're my fucking problem! If you want to sleep, stay at home. If the lecturer has to bang the piano to wake your ugly ass up three times, go home! Don't ruin my education with your laziness!

And finally, don't piss your fiancé off on purpose. This is directed to myself! I had no problem doing what she wanted me to do today, however I had plans to work on one of her birthday surprises. I didn't want her to wake up and see me workin on it. So instead of taking a chance of not finishing... I purposefully pissed her off!!! Lol it is quite funny to think about it. But I am sure my repercussions are not going to be worth it. I suppose I can come clean tonight. Hindsight is 20/20 and ironically I did finish before she needed me. I guess I shot myself in the foot. However a package for her showed up today that I had to sign for... I would have missed that! Oh well she loves me and I love her and we will laugh about it later!

The truth!

So I am writing this to my special someone. Its time the truth really came out. I am so bad at lying I don't even know what lies I had told. But the truth is you've given me so many chances. I am so blessed to have you in my life. But I am a consistent excuse for a man. I mess up constantly. I am so sick of me being that way. I promise this time will be different. I always said one more chance and if I screw up I'll leave. That was a lie. I can't just walk away from you. I can't just give up on something that means so much to me. I really have changed. I am a new man but I still lie. Truth is sometimes I am scared of you. You get so angry and mad I don't want to tell you the truth. I really am scared of you when you are pjssed. I am trying. So I won't tell anymore lies at all. Not a small one not a white one nothing but the truth. I just want to be with you. I know it's hard to trust me but I can't lose you again and I will do anything to stop that from happening. Please give me a chance to honestly fix this, all of this. I can be the man you need me to be.

Mistakes...

Mistakes... We all make them and everyone says oh no problem... But the funny thing is. No one forgets. You live day in and day out accounting for those mistakes. Even when you had no intentions of repeating said mistake, it always bites you in the ass. Here I am at 3:10am a snoring fiancé to my right with her amazing butt on my hip but yet I had to beg her to come to bed. She was annoyed and irritated with me. You see she lives her life different than most people. There is a side of her life that I feel shut out from. Her friends that are sophisticated and too high class for this country boy. It hurts that I want to be a part of that for her and I always feel shut out. Well the other night I decided I wanted to see pictures from one of these nights heck why not two. Turns out my backdoor approach left me in hot water. But the things she did that hurt me an cut me deeper than she has in some time seem null and void to the fact of what I did. It hurts having to act as if I don't care about that part of her life. I want to be a part of everything she does. The gross stuff the fun stuff the bad stuff I want it all... Because I love her. But I can't love her when I feel shut out, I can't love her when I feel like she doesn't want me a part of he life or that she is accusing me of something that I would not do. To say the least it hurts. I felt so alone and hurt when I knew why she was sleeping on the couch. I had to have her with me but I needed to hear her say why she was on the couch also. Her reasons seem pointless to me although if she is hurt I love her too deeply not to have concern for that pain she feels. Yet my heartache is null and void in this lovers quarrel. I too felt the blade from her betrayal yet the excuse of being drunk seemed to calm the rough seas. Yet the memory remains and the act was done. I refuse to turn her issue with me around on her however I believe I have a valid point. So as I lay wide awake waiting for the stroke of 7 am I plead with the lord to ease her anger, calm her insecurities and give her peace to wake up and let me know she loves me. Because the truth is... Sometimes she makes me wonder how she truly feels, and that my friends is a horrible feeling as well as a tough pill to swallow.